Giving Up. And letting go.

Taking stock of the evidence of his infidelity, even then, she knew she loved him. She also knew she was angry. So angry that she didn't care whom he fucked or what he thought anymore. Acceptance of him in his totality brought with it a finality. She finally knew that he wasn't the one. She didn't want to have children with him anymore. She would make him wear condoms. He was still good for that. She knew she had a duty to herself, heretofore that she had failed at...to be true to herself. When she had sex with him or anyone else now, it would be because she wanted to.

She would no longer pick up his calls if she didn't want to or had something better to do. All the unconscious subterfuges of courtship were now detected, and would be dropped. Her manipulations toward what she wanted would stop.

He could not be faithful. It was not her fault. She could be a supermodel who knew every Kama Sutra position, who was the most submissive wife who ever lived. She could be Clauida Schiffer, a perfect Pakistani Muslim girl and June Cleaver, all rolled into one --- and still he could not be faithful. And he would still do stupid shit with their money. He would still look out for number one more than anything else. He would still lie to her and call it privacy, still put her in her place, still call her names occasionally, still be an absentee husband. That's who he was. He was himself. As himself, with no imagined qualities foisted upon him, he was not what she wanted.

So if he was late, by any amount that she felt was inappropriate, she would make other plans. She would release him to do what he wanted. She would not take his calls. They would see eachother when they saw each other.

It was high time to finally become self-reliant - not in money just yet, but certainly, in most respects. In setting her schedule, in seeing movies she wanted, in how she raised her child. In whom she was friends with, and sexually too.

Divorce did not need to be sought.

But was it all a big manipulation, or a dis-entanglement? Knowing that a change in behavior will evoke a reaction in someone is not the same as trying to get them to do what you want or be who you want. Sometimes it is just detaching yourself from a vice.

The realizations came flooding in. It was freeing.

Did she need to say anything to him? No, she didn't think so. The constant, "I love you"'s could cease, though. The goodnight or good morning calls - no need for those anymore. A less personal nickname seemed a good idea too. The opening moves of a surgery intended to amputate her emotions. It seemed unnecessary to take his calls while with friends too. He would be demoted.

He was not the partner she had thought or imagine. Her intuition finally had to be heeded.

It was sad. She felt disappointed; disappointed in his broken promises. But even more disappointed that she had not trusted herself. She knew those promises would be kept as they were being made. She always knew what he was, starting with the first time she'd heard herself referred to as a 'friend'. No, earlier. She knew it from the moment that he'd asked her to be his 'full-time girlfriend' as thought she was being hired for a job.

Maybe there was romantic love out there for her. Maybe there would be babies. Maybe there was a career. No way to know right now. The only thing she knew was that she had to stop giving her all and then some to people who were not the right recipients of it. Continuing to do so would suck the life right out of her.

And finally, she had to accept the facts & how it all worked. Those times her intuition told her he was doing wrong - he was. Those times he went alone to bars or clubs - that not what married, committed men did. Not ones that she wanted, anyway. Those times he seemed he was not sharing things with her that he should have been...he wasn't. Those times that her intuition told her he didn't feel attracted to her or was giving her a pity lay or thought she was stupid or those times it seemed he was being fake - she knew why, without being told.